Lift me up

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah :) how are u?

Today has been cloudy but good, alhamdulillah. I stayed the day at home, taking time for shower, making dinner, and also for my favorite hobby: painting. I don't actually paint so much, just very occasionally, but maybe I could do it more often now that I've found a place to buy the canvases with an affordable price (Tokmanni). But first I enjoy painting the current one.

I washed the plates, and have no more chores to do tonight. Just a glass of juice, some biscuits and the laptop. :)

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Not much has happened this week. Suttis left for his holiday at my sister's, and is doing ok, just sleeping a lot. The house feels empty without him.. I have been feeling a little sad, but I'm happy he has lots of things to do and lots of love to receive. We are basically practicing now how he would manage if me and hubby will travel. Having a tortoise is fun, but it's not the simplest pet. It kinda is, and kinda not. Mainly a tortoise is just communicating differently than for example a dog. But they will do just fine in sha Allah. They love him for sure, and that's the most important thing :)

Then I had a work shift yesterday, and that's quite it for this week. I feel like I have lots of time in my hands and don't really know what to do with it. The hobbies help. Of course I could workout more, or do something productive, I've mainly just been getting anxious, laying on the sofa. That's not good, but it's not bad either, because I do feel that the change is coming. I just don't know yet how it will look like.

Also the summer seems to continue forever. That's not a bad thing either, hehe. I just wait for the autumn to come, to start my, whatever it is I'm starting. 

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I also had a good talk with hubby today. It's not only the ninja turtle who is communicating differently, it's also me and hubs. A multicultural relationship, especially when we both speak a second language together, takes patience if both want to be understood. Also we are different socially, as other one is an introvert and other is a mess, hehe. 

I thought for long time that I am an introvert, and I'm actually not. I just used to be really quiet, because I was really depressed, anxious, shy and socially awkward all at once. I didn't know how to chit chat when I was thinking about dying, or felt like I speak totally different lingo than the people I hung out with. Then later, and mainly after reverting to islam, my social skills started to get better. Not right away, as it was something I needed to practice, but eventually it lead me to be more open. Also I wasn't so depressed anymore.

I have to even take a moment to look behind all that has happened. I guess this change from a very locked up person to an open and as I like to think, easygoing me, happened gradually in more than ten years. Of course finding like-minded people have played a big part, and having a community around. I'm still kinda lonely, and I have only few friends, but islam does give us all a worldwide community, may it be more active and visible sometimes, and sometimes, well, u know, it is not so clear.

Also islam humbles you. It's not anymore so much about me and feeding my ego, but rather dedicating my life to a higher power, and that changes a person. The world doesn't move around me, not even my own world. We all are the main characters, precious and important, but we are also equal and our struggles are universal rather than happening only in our own bubble. Islam has taught me how we all are together, our destinies intertwined, and how the anchor is Allah swt, to whom all our actions come back to. Being a good person matters to me more than having a lot of material wealth. Islam has been a true revolution in my life, a true anarchy if I dare to say so. There's none worthy of worship except Allah. Not money, not idols, not myself, not my spouse, nothing else to bow to. It doesn't mean that taking care of your finances or loving your husband wouldn't matter or wouldn't be important, but I mean it's a whole different sense of freedom when you are able to detach yourself from all these worldly matters and see everything in a selfless way. Yourself as a piece of the puzzle, a puzzle that would be incomplete without you. But the puzzle also happens to have million billions other pieces, some yet to be found. So better to stay humble, it's a very big picture :)

Not that I'm always able to live so noble way.. Like I said, I do get anxious, and I do sometimes get drowned in my struggles, but I do have a road to follow and that's important for me. And to see that I am actually had some progress, well, that feels great alhamdulillah. I'm the same person than before, but also I have been able to come out of my shell, which is something I've wanted. To have my personal freedom, to be comfortable of being who I am. And then also being accepted by doing so, that's a bonus. I know we shouldn't seek validation outside, but it does feel good when I take a stance, and it's cheered. But still there's lot to do, and steps to take. This road is mostly lonely to walk, that's the nature of it. That's how we learn the best, without distractions.

And I want to clarify that being an introvert is not a condition someone needs to be "cured" from. I just meant with my story that I clearly wasn't one even if I thought so, that it was another type of issue. And because I am not an introvert, I was able to change my behavior to something that is more natural to me. Introverts are great, nothing wrong with that. :)

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I guess I can still drink one cup of tea. I've drank many cups today, so I'll let this last cup be just a peppermint one. I still haven't finished the horror movie I was watching earlier, maybe I could finish that while my husband naps. Also there's some 90 days coming.. and some messages waiting on my phone. Oh, sometimes I feel like I could write forever, but I think it's good to have a pause for now. Later then dears,

Aisha