Love, love, love

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh all :) how's your week started?

There's Snakes on the plane on tv, was gonna watch it just because, but then I felt like I need to write you about something. Everything is fine though, alhamdulillah. We had more time together with hubby the past weekend, and now back to regular daily life. I have my cup of tea, and some more for you to read. 

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I think I used to write more about love before. Maybe I was differently in love too. I have had my fair share of marriages, like you know if you have read my blog for some years, and it's not something I'm necessarily proud of, but they all have happened. Being a revert can be a bit frustrating on the marriage scene, as some of you might now very well. Not that dating and finding a husband would be easier to anyone really. What I mean is that as a revert, and especially a new revert you might end up to relationships that are not fully functioning, and can be even abusive or at least toxic. I was very naive with my first so called husband. I reverted to islam while we were living together, married later, but shortly after that luckily divorced. I didn't revert for him, it was my own decision which took a few years of learning and pondering about it. But I needed some support, and for him I can only say that he helped me with it by taking me to the mosque for the shahada. His support vanished right after we walked out of the mosque. But anyways.

I have made another mistake marriage too, that was my previous one. I don't again want to say anything bad, because it doesn't matter anymore, but I just say that sisters, be smarter than me. If you see red flags or it doesn't feel right, even if getting married means just too many obstacles and problems, let it go. You'll protect yourself by doing so. 

Then between these was my big love of my life. Or that's how it felt that time. We were around 5 years together, survived Covid time. I travelled to Jamaica four times, first time staying 5 weeks and after that three months three times. I have so much memories from there and Jamaica is not easy but it can be a magical place. I worked hard to pay bills and tickets. I am actually proud of myself that I was able to do all that, remind you that I have a severe mental illness and couldn't work full time. I counted and counted. Groceries and every single little thing. And always there were more bills (not mine..) and it took usually a year for me to be able to travel again. 

He said to me that he admires in me that no matter what has happened to me in my life, I haven't changed. But I have changed after him. 

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Maybe some of you, dear readers, have the same experience of the love that is greater than you. Meaning in this dunya, of course our faith gives us a greater perspective of love. But if we are talking about relationships, he was something else, in good and bad. We had so much fun together and our personalities clicked like nothing ever before. But I was, like I tend to be even still, a bit naive and carefree, and I didn't pay attention enough. When that marriage ended, I was broken for years after it. It took the best of me, very literally speaking, and I did change.

I was sad, so sad for so long time. Other break up's haven't been that difficult, if at all. That experience took it's toll, and changed the way how I love now.

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I got so broken, that something inside me changed permanently. So I might love differently now. And not only might, but I do. And it doesn't mean I love any less. I'm just not anymore head over heels, head in the clouds way loving anymore. I am more cautious. When I met my husband, my dear dear rakas, I wasn't in the best place in life. One could say it happened a bit too soon. I wouldn't though. For me, he came in the perfect time and since we met, he has taken good care of me. A good man doesn't just watch you carrying weights and cheer for you. A good man shares your burdens, helps you, loves you through his actions and doesn't make you question yourself constantly.

A good man might not be perfect, because no one is. He might not give you the butterflies, but he will give you his time and effort. If you're looking to get married, be really intentional of what you want. And make du'aa patiently. I have made the mistake to rush into a marriage because I wanted to be ready so bad, and it turned out to be the worst mistake. Take your time. It doesn't matter if you're 30+, or you are still studying, and so on. Life will always happen and we can't predict our future. Take time and see your options. And find your balance between finding a dream partner and marrying a good person. While you are waiting for your spouse, you can build yourself to be a good partner.

And sometimes things just happen. When it comes from Allah swt, it will always be the best timing.

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And sisters, nothing can make you expired or used or anything like that someone might tell you. Divorce is not easy, and in many cultures it is a shameful matter. Even here in Finland, being so tolerant and all, I don't easily open up about my multiple marriages. While I was dating years ago, one very pious brother I chat to started to push like how I have been failed and failed.. I told him I don't see it like that, these just have been my experiences and part of my destiny and also the byproduct of my free will. Lessons to learn. No need to even say I had to block that brother hehe. But yeah, I could still say that today. I have learned from my lessons, alhamdulillah.

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So how I love now, how it is different now? It's just a bit different. We are adults, that also changes things from let's say early twenties to now. I am able to give him space and time, without being so intense. I trust him. I wait for him to come home every day, with a dinner ready on the stove, and it's always my favorite part of the day. When I look at him, I feel warm. We are a team, but also individuals. Every day is like the first day with him, I still feel the same excitement. Hmm.. how do you explain love again?

That's how love is so beautiful thing. It doesn't flourish in boxes and frames, specifically organized in sentences or feelings. It's everything all at once. It usually is there, sometimes just buried very deep. But I believe there's love everywhere. And we all need it.

I wish we all will receive it.

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Talking about husband, it's time for us to have a late night snack and then go soon to sleep. Tomorrow another day in sha Allah. Take care dears, next time then,

Aisha