Invisible

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh dears :) jummah mubarak!

This has been a bit exhausting day, and strange too. Actually it started yesterday evening, I had a terrible anxiety attack. Alhamdulillah for my husband, and of course I made du'aa too, so it eased when I was able to talk about the things that overwhelmed me. I did cry, then woke up early in the morning, and my eyes were so swollen still. Well, I hope no one noticed. I had an odd work gig, but sometimes it's like that, basically I only took the trash out and then the customer sent me home, so easy for me, but I was ready to work more. But what can I do, I have to respect the customer's will, so then I came back home. I feel like a lot happened in such a small time.

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My anxiety comes and goes, and it has shown some signs that it's coming back. I do have a little anxiety almost every day, and partly it is normal, but then there's the type of anxiety that almost overpowers me and puts my thoughts and feelings in a spiral. I hate it, can't lie, I really hate it and am frustrated. Yesterday I was especially feeling bad about myself because I'm not able to live similar life to my peers. Always the underachiever, not educated, socially awkward, doesn't even have a driver's license. All these negative thoughts about myself and more are hard to deal with, and when I feel pressure coming from all angles, it can cause an anxiety attack. 

Anxiety attack is similar to panic attack, but differs in few things. Anxiety attacks are of course individual, people feel them differently, but usually anxiety attacks won't cause hyperventilation or the feeling of dying like panic attacks often do. But the feeling has similarities: chaos, anguish, hopelessness. I'm so grateful of my husband, who is very patient with me and tries to help. But I wouldn't want to put him in these situations, of course. When my illness shows symptoms, I do feel embarrassed and ashamed, and it's also so hard for me to ask help. But also in my experience, people do understand and want to help too, ma sha Allah. After all we all are human, and even though these things are sometimes hard to understand, we can understand to a point where we will offer comfort and presence, and that is so helpful already.

I don't write about this to necessarily receive sympathy. I am a big girl and I have suffered from mental health issues so long that it is kinda normal to me. But I want to write about this, so it could give some peer support to someone who struggles with similar problems. You are not alone, and there's nothing wrong with you. God tests everyone differently, and some of us have these psychological challenges, as unfortunate it feels. In islam, Allah swt tells us that even a prick of a thorn won't sting us without Allah forgiving some of our sins. Not saying that suffering is good, but there's also a mercy hidden. The key is to be patient and also have that mercy on ourselves too.

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So I just relax this weekend, in sha Allah. I want to eat healthy and maybe workout a bit, and enjoy the last sunshiny days at the balcony. And despite the challenges, also blessings are flowing my way on the stream. 

I am not sure do I feel scammed or not, maybe not.. because I made a bit silly purchase: translucent brow gel. Bought a two-pack of them, they were on discount. Lately I've been feeling like I want to wear even more natural make up, and I thought the gel is a good alternative to an eyebrow pencil. Well, the gel doesn't do much (except nourishes the brows apparently), but I do like it. It feels nice to apply it, the brush and the texture of the gel are perfect, it's not heavy at all, and at least I get the feeling of applying something to my brows so I can embrace more easily my natural brows.

 

 

I also got my taupe abaya, can't wait to try it on. In sha Allah it will be right size for me. It's like I get these gifts from my past self, just the right time, hehe.

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Yeah, this weekend I want to hide a bit. Stay in my safe zone, and take it easy. Next week has new challenges again, and I have things to wait for too. In sha Allah this is just some stumbling and ease will come with it too.

Thnx for reading, you are so precious and I hope you have a nice weekend! Later then,

Aisha