Dizzy

Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah dears :) how r u?

Today's mood has been miscellaneous. My thoughts are restless. But I was able to go to the market, alhamdulillah. Didn't get all what I needed though, so I gotta go again. But anyways! The anxiety might be back so I have to investigate the scene a bit. There's an upcoming event I'd like to attend but it makes me stress so I don't know what to do. This is why it's best I'm only an underground blogger and not a famous influencer because heck, I can't go anywhere! This is frustrating but in sha Allah everything will work out.

...

Yeah, mixed feelings and rushing thoughts. I'm all the time somewhere else, meaning future or past, that I find it hard to enjoy things. I spend so much time on imaginary scenarios that I forget it never happened. I create the anxiety in my head by overthinking everyday things. Argh. I try to take control of it by forgetting screens and taking some time to just breathe. And now I write it out.

I am doing fine though, alhamdulillah, no need to worry. My life is like this and I'm very used to it. I am actively training myself, but the anxiety won't ask any permission, it just comes and messes my plans. It doesn't mean anything dramatic, but maybe I need to reschedule my week.

And the anxiety is not always necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it's more of an intuition, or an echo of my feelings. It can be listened, and taking an advice from it is sometimes smart. It's good to reflect on it, instead of only trying to get rid of it. 

Overall I have been more active lately and it seems easier to be so. So this is just a small bump on the road. I need to work on my mindset and steer my way on the positive path.

...

Because things can go well too. It's so much to do with your attitude. Not all, of course. I currently feel like I am so exhausted of all the effort I've made past years that I am tired to do anything. I don't know can you understand.. I just feel like I gave all of myself for several years that I'm empty now. I can only focus on my small circle. Small circle is good, nothing wrong with it. But it can also feel a bit isolated. I notice myself pondering on my place in the world, or if not the world, the society. Where do I put myself and our little family?

But yeah, things can go well too. I could still be capable to think out of the box and forget the crushing art of fitting in. Our life can look different and that's fine. Like my husband tells me, nobody even cares, hehehe. That's true I guess. No one puts so much effort to think about my life than me.

So it can be fine. I don't know what I expect to happen if I'm happy and carefree, because I worry about it so much. It's not about losing control, I'm not afraid of that. Maybe I am afraid someone will get mad at me. But who would it be and even why? Because no one really cares and that's a bliss after all.

Maybe I am in the right place in the right time. I might make mistakes, but Allah swt doesn't. So this current mix up is in sha Allah going to lead me in a good spot. 

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I have been shopping too. I bought a Stephenson conditioner bar melt&pour base, to make some conditioner bars. My hair is so dry, and I'm on an ever-going quest of finding the right products. I want to use natural ones, and also affordable ones, so making an own conditioner bar is tempting. I don't even know yet will I just use the bar as it is, because AI told me that conditioner melt&pour's don't go well with multiple add on's. I mean, you can add some essential oil, and maybe a mica powder for color, but not that much extra active ingredients. I haven't made conditioner bars before, so I have to learn more about it. 

I also got a few things for myself from Vinted.. I have been reasonable with my purchases, even though I might have crossed the line of three buys a month. I try now to be a bit smarter again. I have low income so I must count my pennies a bit better. But I think generally speaking, I also shop very intentionally. I hardly make impulse buys, and I keep a list of what I really need. Lately I have been buying cosmetics, but also from now on, I have enough for at least six months ahead. So it will pay itself back, right?

And a lady has to have her hobbies. I'm still a minimalist, just not that extreme anymore. But it's still a guideline for me. Minimalism, clothing, natural cosmetics.. all nice little hobbies for me. I don't make our bathroom a spa, but I feel good when I'm not using chemicals and I see that my own little potions are effective. I feel good when my wardrobe is finally working and is inspiring. I feel good with repairing and fixing, taking good care of my belongings. I haven't succeeded in many aspects of life, so enjoying these little things feels like a win.

Then there's the writing and painting. I was just thinking about painting yesterday.. it's a bigger process to put myself into. And right now I don't feel like it. But maybe later :) I like that too, that I don't have to label myself as a painter or an artist, that I can just enjoy arts sometimes, and it doesn't have to be so serious. It feels also good not to put any labels on myself. I understand if some do, and I don't mean any shade for them. Just personally I like the freedom to just be like a wind and sometimes hold onto something and then gently let it go. When I was younger, I tried to fit my life in a self made box, and wanted it to be specific. With more age, I see I am fluid as a person. My feelings, thoughts, and interests change and I like it like that. 

I can also leave something and come back to it later. I don't have to demolish my previous choices, I can keep what I have and cherish it later when it feels new again. Actually it's me, who doesn't change anymore. And I don't need constant change around me to feel entertained. Cherish is a good word, I want to take more time to appreciate what I have than run to the next one.

And maybe, just maybe, this will catch on my life too, from being just about hobbies. I could cherish the moments, notice the colors, feels, impact.

...

I have talked a lot and now I feel dizzy. Maybe it's time for a cup of cocoa.. and hey, how are you doing? I just babble about myself, hehe.

It's time to slow down. That's what the darkness brings along (we had maghrib today at 4.38 p.m.). I hope you all are doing well ❤ Later,

Aisha