Plus is beautiful

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah dears :) how have u been?

This is my second "day off" of this week. I know, I'm on pension so technically almost all my days are actual day offs, but I do still need a day to charge my batteries. And I was waiting to get to chat with you guys! Make a cup of hot tea and curl up in the sofa corner, I'm here too :)

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Since my anxiety has been gone for some time, I have had time for insecurities! Haha. This never ends, does it? Lot of my current insecurities have been about my weight and looks. I have become a grown woman, and my body has grown together with me. It has been, and is sometimes difficult to accept. In the West, we have grown into the culture that only youth is beautiful, only a skinny body is beautiful, and when you're +30 and "let yourself go" you become expired and worthless. And it couldn't be more wrong!

Beauty doesn't end at a certain age. Beauty is how you carry yourself, and how you love yourself. That inner glow will show outside. Also I believe that the state of your heart shows too. You can be the most beautiful person, but if you have a bully mentality and are bitter and hateful, you will look ugly. Kindness is one of the best qualities a person can have, and that looks good, always. 

But it's not always easy. We are bombarded with the images and expectations on how we should look and be. I've been a plus size woman now for almost ten years, and I've still not gotten used to it, that's something I'm learning now. Gaining weight can bring shame and a sense of failure. And I feel so sad about that. It's always a woman's body, being on display, free target for any judgement and hate, may it be coming from someone else or ourselves.

Hijab helps a lot. I can decide what I show, and mostly it's about what I don't show. Hijab gives me shelter. But in this current atmosphere, I do feel like a target still, for different reasons.

Acceptance is the best medicine. It's one thing to need acceptance from people around you, and I understand that fully. Another thing is, to give yourself that acceptance what you need. I often battle with the acceptance of "people", I don't even know really who these people are.. But I have a strong feeling that I am not accepted. It might be partly my illness speaking to me, and partly islamophobic attitudes, and maybe partly that people just don't really care. We're living in a highly individualistic culture. You are and should be on your own. I don't know, as a shy but still social person, I'd like to feel accepted in the society and not just accepted, but accepted as I am. Because the funny thing is, I do love myself. I've always loved. I like how I am, what comes to my inner self or outer appearance. Maybe I struggle with body image, but I do accept myself still. It just seems that I am always gonna be an outcast.

But even that doesn't have to stop me. I think we're coming towards better attitudes and personal freedom. It's a bit controversial - on the other hand the world is bleeding, and us privileged people have time to think about being the best version of ourselves. I want to think though that the better people feel, the better politics they're gonna make (in the form of voting too). So if we will have more open minded attitudes, we will have more open arms for all kinds of people.

Of course our old systems, kept together by old men and their allies, are benefitting of our miseries. I don't like to call anyone weak, but maybe you understand when I say that a weak person is easy to control. That happens on our daily life level, up to the political systems we have in the world. Mostly who suffers from this, are women and girls. And the beauty and fashion industry directed to us women, relies on our insecurities, while the women who are in vulnerable state are the ones who are working countless hours sewing the dreams of acceptance for us. The world is so messed up, it's so frustrating.

I want to be on the positive note though. Because we can be a part of change. Everyone's choices matters. I always say this, and I say again: we know that money rules the world, so best way to vote is with our wallets. That's why it's so important to boycott multinational companies and especially what comes to clothing, it's best to buy second hand. Learning to live with less. I'm not saying I'm perfect in this, not at all. But I want to do what I can.

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Yeah, a day off.. and I can still use it by shopping (on Vinted), cooking something nice (a peanut butter sauce with rice), relaxing and having a nice cup of tea when it's raining and cold. I don't feel like I'm missing a thing, alhamdulillah. Still missing my spark a bit - give me time to gather myself so I can write better again, in sha Allah. 

I have a little secret, so that's why I can't write like I usually do. I don't plan my blog texts much, I might have an idea and I let my thoughts flow freely. But now I have something to.. let's say to deal with, and I'm not yet ready to share my feelings about it, so that's why I'm not at my best now. But there's time for everything in sha Allah, I will tell you when the time is right :)

I hope you have a nice week ahead,

Aisha