Deeper but lighter

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah dears :) how have you been?

I have had nice time, alhamdulillah. Yesterday one sister asked me to come with her to the mosque, and we also had some coffee after the jummah. Today I finally went to the library, and it was so nice too. I got a brand new library card, and found a good old Stephen King book to spend an afternoon with. And I did. Our ninja turtle spent the whole day at the balcony, and I joined him to read a bit while my pot was simmering on the stove. 

...

I continued reading my old blog posts yesterday evening. It was really interesting actually. After I write a post, I hardly come back to it, so it was like I would've read someone else's texts, almost. What I noticed about the posts was that I fight a lot against invisible forces. Like battling with the anxiety and letting myself live freely. For some reason I keep or have kept myself in a cage, and I have tried to get out from it for a while now. I guess everything happens at a right time, and I feel like now I have been taking the needed steps. 

What is the freedom then, what I am wishing to pursue?

I don't know. It's something like walking in the street without fear of being ridiculed and being comfortable in my own skin. It's doing what I want and not always adjusting to other people's needs. It's being carefree, putting all the norms and restricting rules I create in my head, to the side. 

I wonder why I have imprisoned myself like this. These things often happen so naturally, in good and bad. These steps I'm now taking outside the box are doing good for me. I can, and nothing bad happens in sha Allah. It sounds very simple, and it actually is. Anxiety makes things so complicated that it's hard to remember how easy regular living can be.

And it's a lot to do with reality. Accepting this reality. The anxiety I've had has eased tremendously after I started to work on my confidence. Also the anxiety groups helped, like I've written previously. I use the little tricks I've learned to ease the stress and anxiety on public spaces, they really work. Even just breathing deeply. Usually I have headphones everywhere and that gives me something to focus on when I feel uncomfortable.

Also we have had good talks with my husband about these things. His support has also been one of the reasons I feel better now. I have good friends too, but I just wanna say if you're lonely, you don't need a whole village to help you. If you have even one person who believes in you, it can make all the difference. Or if you have a pet who loves you unconditionally. And as muslims, we always have Allah swt, and that's the most important thing. But like I said, being supported is a great gift to have. Listen to them! Listen to the loved ones and your dear and real friends. There's so much love in the world and you're worth it all ❤☺

...

Accepting the reality the way it is wasn't easy for me. I think I've always wanted something more. Of what, that I'm not so sure about. A lot of it was wanting to know the truth behind everything. Why are we here, the main question. What is our purpose, what is the purpose behind all of this? I wanted to know more, and naturally I turned on to religions. I looked for the answers in all of them. For a long time I was very interested about all kinds of New age philosophies, but in the end it just messed my head more. I have never given up on God though. I have always known that He exists, but I didn't know which way lead to Him.

Being a muslim is the biggest blessing in my life. Without me reverting 11 years ago, I wouldn't have my life in order, I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't have my patient, caring husband I have now in my life. I don't know where I would be without, and I don't dare to think about it, because the answer would be lost, in so many ways. Reverting to islam wasn't easy, but it has opened me the world in a whole new way. It might sound cheesy, but I really see things so much clearer. I can accept the reality, and I also see something more in it. 

When you look at the world through a believer's eyes, you see how everything has been created in perfect harmony. Have you ever seen a tree which has tangled leaves? How many leaves an average tree even has.. hundreds, thousands? They all have their place. All of the animals, they have their special spot in the ecosystem, supporting others in their own little missions. Seasons change, day turns to night. And each time it happens just a bit differently.

And it's not only the nature. It's the way our destiny folds out in front of us every day. You missed a bus? Maybe Allah swt was protecting you from something, that might have happened if you had stepped in the bus. Sometimes it might be light of courage in your heart, like when you recite salawat to the Prophet and when you stop, you notice you've said it exact 63 times. 

When everything has a reason, things matter so much more. It teaches us to cherish everything, cherish life itself, very dearly. If nothing means anything, what's the point? When everything is happening for a reason, it gives everything it's right value and lets us understand the timing of things.

...

Maybe I should still keep looking for that something more. I mean, this is not the end yet. It's good to have that flame in your heart, keeping you going. Currently I just feel I'm looking for something that lies deep, and I haven't learned to dive yet. But maybe that has it's time too, and I can still keep on floating on the stream just a little bit more.

I love you guys, thank you for reading and coming back again. In sha Allah I will come up with some lighter subjects again, hehe. I hope your weekend goes well and you have good times. Later then,

Aisha