Strawberries

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh :) how's your weekend?

I had a nice day today, alhamdulillah. I went to pick up a small package, and then we went out with Suttis. He had a blast, he was going around so strong. He starts to know the area now, and knows where we walk on the pathway and which way to go home. He was climbing and digging, and ate a dandelion. Then we came home and I spent some time enjoying the balcony. I got a strawberry plant from the market and I love it :) 

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Yesterday evening I was reflecting on my past, presence and future, and I was thinking how different events have moulded me as a person. I have thought that falling ill has been the major issue and cause of change in my personality. I've thought I have become so careful and shy, anxious pile of pieces. But yesterday I realized it is not so.

Actually a lot of things have happened to me. Now my life is going almost boringly well (alhamdulillah, just a joke), but it hasn't always been the case. I have had many even traumatic series of events in my life line. Of course becoming ill and getting diagnosed was a big thing to happen. That time I was all together 9 months in an asylum in one year, two individual times. And it's true, it changed me a lot.

But doesn't people always change? And then, doesn't people always stay the same? These questions have been on my mind when I look at myself and compare myself to my 15 year old, 20 year old and 30 year old self. And guess what? I am the exact same person. I haven't changed. I have always been the same, just when I was younger I was more sick than I wanted to admit, and that affected the way I was living and (not) taking care of myself, and my relationships. In my twenties I got the diagnose, I was in hospital, I had a hurtful relationship, then I reverted to islam. Another main event, which shaped me and my way of living too. Then my thirties I travelled, and worked back home to travel again. Had my love story, and had the big heart break, and lifted myself up. Had a relapse with addiction, got back up again. Got married with my spouse and started to build my life, this time together.. our life.

And there's so much things, like so much things I could talk about. Things that sometimes keep me up at night. Things I have forgotten. Things I've finally forgiven. Things that don't really matter anymore.

That has been life, and life shapes us. We all have our divine destiny, which we follow blindly, because we can't know what's coming next. We just walk our paths and try our best, and hope for the best outcome. 

So when I thought all of this, I realized that I am the same. And now, aged 37, I have grown as an adult. I'm young still, and probably will always be, in sha Allah. But the way I see things now.. well, I look at my past with more understanding and patience. I don't blame myself for every little or bigger mistake, because I didn't know how to do better. Now I know better, that's the good thing with aging. I learn, and I choose my battles. And I have been able to fix some things, like my relationship with my mother. My illness is in control, and I'm committed to medication. I work, maybe not so often, but I am able to do that too.

And my heart has healed. It's not in bits or pieces, or shattered. Little by little it has healed and most importantly, has learned how to love myself, next to others. I'm strong in a soft way, like I have wanted to be. 

I'm waiting for my 40's, how it will be. For the longest time I have thought I want to be a serene 40 year old with long hair. Well, in sha Allah, hehe. 

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I'm planning to go to library on one of these days, in sha Allah. As a kid, I used to love reading and going to the library. I remember one summer I used to drive with my bicycle to the library, and buy also some candy. And then I bicycled back home, and laid the rest of the day on my bed reading and eating candy. There's something so nostalgic in that. Of course it was the late 90's, and I rocked capri pants and a flannel shirt, and an Anaheim mighty ducks cap, hehehe. Sun was shining, the summer cooler, and life was lifing without smart phones. Oh, I gotta go to the library and do the exact same :) 

So there's things we can take from our childhood, and every age from the past. Past is not maybe something to dwell in, but we can learn from our past self, as well as the present self too. I've written earlier about wanting to find more of the spirit of what I had when I was younger. And it's kinda funny, look at me now boycotting, buying second hand and trying vegetarianism. Often I wear my black oversized hoodie, having idealistic thoughts. People say punk's not dead, well Aisha is not dead either! Hehe. I'm still living my life and how it's said, what goes around, comes around. My sister, who is a Christian, used to say that God has a good sense of humor, and I agree. :)

On one day, lastly few years ago, I was looking at my life and thought I just can't live it. I didn't have the strength or will. It felt like it always ends up in failure and disappointment. I was ready to give up completely.

And here I am now, boiling water for my hibiscus tea. Sun is still shining, after eight o'clock. I have strawberries and cress growing on the balcony, and other experiments under the soil. I have a husband on my side, who supports me. And our little ninja turtle bringing smiles or frowns to our faces every day. Things are not perfect, but well enough. It's never that bad that it couldn't turn to good.

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Oh I like this hibiscus tea. I made a cup, and put some of it in a high glass jar to put in the fridge once it's cooled down. I drink a lot of this berry drink which is artificially sweetened, and I try to find a better alternative. I put some cane sugar in the jar, but maybe honey next time.

A bit later I will go to take a shower, in sha Allah. Today was a nice day, but I want to wash my thoughts off and also I need to wash my hair hehe. Tomorrow I plan to meet one good friend in sha Allah, and who knows if the library will be on my way too.

Thank you for reading, later then,

Aisha