Tested with

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh dears. How are u doing?

I went again to market, can't escape that. Also I have my period blues.. I have cramps but I try to manage with it, like us women often do. Next cup will be a paracetamol drink though. I'm drinking green chai tea so it might help also, with the cloves and all.

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I was reading yesterday some of my old posts. I noticed that I have been a lot more serious.. I guess this year it's been more about more surface touching things, like more material stuff and a showing a bit more of my bubbly side. And that's good, alhamdulillah. It's been a while now that I've been thinking I'm being tested with easiness. 

I have made a lot of du'aa that Allah swt would guide and test me with good instead of trials. But the "good" is a trial in itself too. I know for sure that I am a better muslim when I have harder times. I wouldn't say I'm more sincere, because I am sincere now too, it's my nature, but I am maybe counting more in Allah swt and really putting my trust in Him. Now when things have been going easier, I do notice I can be patient, but also more affected with the dunya.

Also there's the guilt I live with. I don't think I deserve to be happy. I don't even know how to be happy. Of course there are moments, and love is also happiness and I do experience that in my daily life. But to be a bit vain and enjoy things life can offer.. it feels like it's not for me, that I have to prohibit that from myself, and that shouldn't be the case. This guilt is coded in me, it doesn't come from an actual situation or matter. It makes it difficult to unlearn, but it is possible. 

But how to be a better muslim when everything is going well and feels easy? First thing coming to my mind is of course gratitude and praising Allah swt frequently. And if you feel more productive, you can participate in lectures, charity, going to the masjid and other activities. Every time I feel like I'm drifting further away, the answer is always practicing more. Doing something a little extra to feel the connection again. These ten days of Dhul-Hijjah are perfect for this. 

This is a matter I need to solve. How to be grateful, I mean really grateful, not by rejecting the blessings politely but welcoming them in open arms and feeling the love Allah swt can give. 

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I guess it's also about the phases we go through. Sometimes even the season defines how we think and feel. After all, we are these creatures living in the space, spiritual beings having their physical experience on this ever turning and moving Earth. We are all made out of stardust, we once were all one, and that's why we long for the unity once again. I wish we all will have light years to make up our dark times. 

The seasons change, and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we do, sometimes it takes more than one season. I don't want to stop, nor go forward. I want to flow in the stream for a while, letting the water carry me.

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The paracetamol starts to help, alhamdulillah. I think I still need to go lay down for a while. Today I'm cooking easy food: for myself I have yesterday's pasta bolognese with soy and for hubby I make some garlic potatoes from the freezer and oven baked chicken thighs. Not to forget our ninja turtle, he has had his breakfast already but got some more lamb's lettuce and dandelions. Alhamdulillah. 

I hope you have a good day, in sha Allah next time again,

Aisha