Self defense

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh all :) how are u doing?

We had a rainy day today in Helsinki. I met my nurse in a café, which is a nice option for a regular meeting at the clinic. I had a caramel latte. After that I went to buy few things from a halal shop, and came home. I met my husband on the way and we changed news and few kisses, he's so sweet ma sha Allah. 

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To be honest, I've been feeling so lousy these days. My ovulation has probably passed and I start to be on the, well, lousier part of the monthly cycle.. I didn't even want to write or do anything, but here I am. Have to show up, things must go on, that's how it just is. 

I have been thinking a lot about my confidence, and how low it is. I am tired to even think anymore how to be more confident. But I don't also want to keep loathing in this anxiety I have been in for past days. I wouldn't say to my friends, or even strangers the things I say to myself. I don't even think that badly about anybody.. so why I attack myself like this, beating myself up for no reason?

Partly it can be my illness. I'm not paranoid, I have good medication and it keeps all kinds of symptoms away. But maybe I am just a little bit.. and it's also my past experiences which stick like glue in my memory. Ostracised, too different, too weird. Laughter, not the kind you want to join in. It has been hard to find acceptance. Mostly I haven't been looking for it, I have just accepted the fact I will never be enough, or right kind of. But I find myself now, in the ripe age of 37, wishing I had it (why?). 

Partly it's my life choices and lifestyle. I tend to spend a lot of time at home, and also I don't have a big friend group, my circles are very small. So the outside world seems sometimes threatening, hence the anxiety, as it is something that has become unknown to me. 

But without the acceptance it's hard to take the steps towards the world.

So probably I will stay here on my lane, not astray but aside from everything. Not as an outcast but (so fresh so clean) as an observer maybe, someone who can wave from the mountain while planes pass by.

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Many of you probably know this lady Ayah from Tiktok, who has become viral not only with her opinions but also how these so called Dawah bros have attacked her in social media. I haven't followed her for very long, I started to see her videos only after their argument had started, so I'm not really sure about the whole situation. Only that the Dawah bros have crossed all the lines and are acting very disgustingly and foolishly accusing this sister about everything under the sun. And ironically everything they seem to fail in, like controlling women and making our lives miserable by restricting our rights.

Well anyways, I don't have a problem with her, and it's not my fight, so I don't get into it. But, she posted something that I want to share too. She was talking about how we easily talk about our insecurities, but often we don't celebrate ourselves. And that inspired me today, sparked a little spark inside this lousy me, hehe. It's true, I know as muslims we are recommended to stay humble, but I don't think these two things contradict each other. One can be humble but also love themself!

So as I also love lists, I want to make one to see what I can come up with:

- I have beautiful eyes and hair

- I am unique

- I write a blog that people read around the world (this is thanks to you dears)

- I am loving and caring, at least if not taken for granted

- I make delicious pasta bolognese

- I am a quick dishwasher

- I am an honest but discreet person

- I believe in everyone's right to be who they are, if they don't harm others in any way

- I am a muslim, what a blessing, not supposed to be the last one on the list though hehe

Lot to be happy about, ma sha Allah :) What would be on your list? Let me know in the comments :)

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A little less thinking and much more doing, that will also help in sha Allah. I have been wanting to accomplish something more, and learn more and deeper about islam, and also have some more meaning in my life. Maybe I should spend more time to think about those things. I'm not saying I don't have enough right now. I just want to find more purpose, you know. I'm on this road and it doesn't walk itself. In sha Allah I will come up with something.

I finished the dishes earlier, but now there's the new 90 days on tv.. so gotta go dears :) Thank you for reading once again, and please leave some comments! Later then,

Aisha