'Til death do us equal

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh all :) how are u doing?

The weather is grey and rainy, and I don't have anything to do today, alhamdulillah. I was planning to do a workout after I've drank an illegal amount of coffee, but I wanted to write first, as I have time before I need to prepare the dinner and so on. And maybe I don't even workout but dance. But I am on a bit heavier subject today, and I will talk about death so if it triggers you, now is a safe time to stop reading.

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I love this book, even though I haven't still read it to the end. The fault is not on the book, it's me and my limited skill to focus. But I have reached almost the final pages, and they tell about death. It's not a subject we can usually speak comfortably. Death brings us feelings of loss, sadness, grief, and even fear. Or some cases, longing.

There was a time when I was very suicidal. I thought about dying every day. I'm lucky that I didn't have the courage, and I'm lucky to now have a will to live. I had this incident where I took a lot of pills, and got scared and called my friend to come and see me. He kept me company for hours, until the pills started to wear off. I tried to stay awake, because it started to feel like if I sleep, I might not wake up.

But it was a turning point on my depression, and the suicidal tendencies. As I really felt like this might be it, I found the will to live inside me. A primary reaction. And after that I didn't hurt myself intentionally anymore.

Second time I have thought of death more throughoutly, was after I reverted to islam. Islam provides a lot of information about what happens after death, from the very moment until the Day of Judgment. And I have made peace in my head with it all. I'm not gonna go to all details now, because that's another story. But of course I aim to get into Jannah, and I am content with Allah's swt will. 

I have lost family members, I know they're on the other side. I believe strongly in a life after life, so I am not that worried. They have passed the realm from this that we know, to the unknown, but it's not the end so I know that in Allah's swt will we will meet again when it's the appointed time.

Believing in the unknown is very much the matter of faith. We can't know nothing for sure about death and what happens after it, so it all comes to our hopes and reasoning of how we want to see it. But regardless of how we think about it, it will inevitably happen to all of us. It reminds us how we all are equal in front of it. And when the Judgment Day comes, we will all be judged with justice and fairness. It brings me patience sometimes, when I think of it and all the evil in the world. One day everyone will be treated as they deserve. We, dear readers, want to be on the good side so let's remember to do good in this world and get the reward after, in sha Allah.

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This is the liveliest time of the year. It's summer, we have World Cup going on, nature is blooming and having it's puppies, cubs, calfs and babies. Sun gives us energy and here in the north the days almost never end. So why to think such dark thoughts?

Somehow it's also our responsibility. To remember those who must not be forgotten. To celebrate our existence even more. To be strong muslims in our faith. 

And to appreciate the life we have now. It might not be perfect at all, but it might be all that someone else hopes for. There's so much to be thankful of. Like I can now be thankful of the rain, which lead me to think about reading and writing, which lead me to write about death, only to think how much I love life.

I can't express how groundbreaking it is to me to love life. Me, who is mostly just anxious about doing anything. How much I struggle that I can live like the rest of us, being part of this world. Sometimes I still might have days when I think that my life is too heavy to live, that I'm tired. But loving life is imprinted in me, that's why I have chosen the name Aisha, that's why I try and strive, and keep going. Giving up is no more an option. And why to give up when there's so much fun things to do?

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So yesterday I had a good day. I went shopping and to the library, and even though it was just a small tour around the tiny shopping centre we have, I felt free. That I can go my way, and do my things, and just enjoy a bit. It's hard to explain the anxiety to someone who never experience it in such intense way, but if you know, you will understand. Anxiety, especially social anxiety sometimes feels like burying yourself in your home, and being trapped there, slowly fading away. We need life! We need colors, scents, rain, sunshine, fruits, flowers! So you see, this is not for the weak. We must always fight against these invisible forces, and the fight seems never-ending. But alhamdulillah, maybe it's a blessing too, because then one can truly appreciate the small things and joys in life.

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It's time to turn the day from left to right, to up and down, side to side and all around, I mean I wanna dance and move, hehe. It's soon dhuhr time too. I hope you all are doing fine, and thanks for reading, in sha Allah next time then,

Aisha