Kind of a Sunday

Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh all :) how's your weekend been?

We are on Sunday, and the week is turning to another, in sha Allah. I'm a bit tired, but decided to come write here in the kitchen, maybe it'll make me sharper. Peppermint tea on the way, like you know I like to drink in the evenings, and I have a few dates for a sweet treat.

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I'm excited for next week, genuinely. This past week was so good and I feel like I was able to give and receive so good energies that there's some of it left for next week too. I don't have yet much planned things, just a few, but in sha Allah the week will shape itself while it goes forward. I will be more aware of my diet and health, and give myself stress free time, and also enjoy the process. I know this all might sound silly, but note that I have a severe mental illness, I am somewhat still a recovering addict, and I am an anxious stress ball, so I need to plan intentionally to have good vibes hehe. 

I also am a feeler. I live through my emotions, and my intuition and the emotions play a big part of how I live my life. And I'm not ashamed by it. I am, though, capable of logical thinking of course, and I make considered decisions. But it's important to me how everything feels.

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Past week I received a lot of kindness, which I'm so grateful of. I hold kindness as one of the best personality traits a person can have, so I strive to be kind too. The negative side of kindness is that it is sadly so easily taken for granted and as a weakness. Every kind person has probably experienced that. I think the problem with it is that often that's where the conversation ends, and gives only one point of view and that is that you shouldn't be so kind. 

I would say there's a spectrum where you have to decide where your boundaries are, and how kind you want to be. The anchor must be yourself, and how you feel about it. Is your kindness overwhelming you, do you end up in situations which are draining or don't feel right to you? Or are your boundaries so tight that since you learnt to say 'no', you forgot how to say 'yes' again? And if we don't go all the way to the ends, there will be so many important and interesting questions along the way. For example, I could say that in my past, I have loved in vain, just to be taken advantage of. But what if I'd rewrite it, by thinking that that person got the most beautiful love from me, as long as it lasted? And even though that relationship ended, I have still a bunch to give. I recently saw a Tiktok video about this and it was inspiring. Isn't thinking this way being actually more kind and understanding towards oneself?

Shouldn't we keep loving, keep being kind and friendly, and keep believing in the goodness in the world? And if we want to look it in the eyes of success and making it in this world, shouldn't we be open minded and always try again like those who will build something real, instead of those who just watch and judge?

And those who underestimate others, beware of losing people who have actually cared about you. Being kind and caring might be one's personality but also a conscious choice.

But still, the kindness never goes in vain. Maybe it's also about learning how to be really unconditional in your actions. I'm learning this, not having expectations on people. Because what a person does or says, tells about them and not you, even if you are on the receiving end. People give what they are capable of, what they choose to give, what is their nature. And sometimes, no matter how much we love and care, it just doesn't reciprocate. That can happen, and might actually happen often. It doesn't mean that we weren't enough, it just means that the other person wasn't ready or willing to answer to it. I emphasize on 'it doesn't mean that we weren't enough'. The kindness never goes in vain. We just need to learn to not expect anything in return, and also not to give only to receive something back. Many search for unconditional love, but are not ready to give it themselves, and that's where it goes wrong. We need to give what we are able to, according to our boundaries and abilities, and be happy about that. Give for ourselves what we need. And all the rest is a bonus. 

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Well, I don't know if I'm going the right way with my thoughts, but that's what's been on my mind. I used to be a person who gave her all without any limits, ending up so drained and sad, and it was a long way to slowly learn to love myself again. Today I wouldn't sacrifice myself anymore. I give, but not to bottomless wells. Rather to someone who appreciates it. And when I have extra, I can share it, and just be happy that I was able to. In the end it's quite simple. But I'm still learning these things.

My tea is one sip away from finished, and I feel now even more tired.. and I have things to think about. In sha Allah everything will be fine. May Allah bless you and your loved ones, take care and next time again,

Aisha