A little prayer needed

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah all :) how have u been?

I'm here, alhamdulillah. It's been an interesting week so far. I'm diving deeper into healing, maybe more on finding the ways of healing and guidance that resonates with me. If my life has been stable, now I'm on an emotional and spiritual roller coaster.

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It's exactly like I wrote in my last post: the anxiety is back. I had to even ask some extra medicine today, and the doctor kindly wrote me a prescription. I don't like to take these kind of drug medicines, but there is a time and place for them. I took one when I came home and it helped. 

It's been anxiety attacks, low imaan and struggle with hijab. Feeling of despair. Surviving, fighting against my own mind.

So I need to also prescribe some treatment for myself. Firstly, no social media, or keeping it minimum. There's so much hate online that it makes me sick. That's why I might delete my Facebook these coming days. If you don't see me there anymore, I'm gonna still keep my insta account in sha Allah, and you can follow me @cupofteawithaisha for updates and notifications of new blog posts. 

Secondly, keeping up with the healthy new habits. I went to meet a sister for my first hijamah! It was a very interesting experience, and I hope for good results. Also she advised me of eating the right vitamins and minerals, and having a varied diet. And I feel better. Maybe after a few weeks I can tell more on how it has affected on my overall health.

Thirdly, is the imaan issues. I'm really struggling with my faith right now. Not that I wouldn't believe in Allah swt and the pillars of islam and faith, but being visibly muslim has become difficult in this current racist political atmosphere we have in Finland now with the government. It has taken it's toll on me, and I have given up my abaya, which I feel sad about. I know it's just clothing, but it has meant so much for me, a part of my muslim identity. I have worn it now sometimes, but it feels so difficult. I have to come stronger in my faith, and maybe things get easier again. I don't ask du'aa often, but if you, dear reader, want to help, ask Allah swt to guide me ♥ and I also do what I can.

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One of the challenges I've always had, is to find like-minded people. I have been a loner since I was a kid. I've had a few friends here and there, often the friendships have eventually ended, and I've never really found my group of people. I do think it's good to have different types of friends, and I like to get along with everyone. But I have the need to find sisters who would be in a similar situation with me, with similar interest, with similar views of islam. I am married, and we have all kinds of conversations with my husband, and he gives me good advice, but I do need lady friends who I can relate to.

I have had always this feel of being different than others. I'm not trying to be a pick me girl, this is something I have struggled a lot with, and I don't see it necessarily as a positive trait. I mean, I wish we all could be fully expressing ourselves instead of being tied in some of the social norms, but also being different is often very lonely. And I have had the same feeling as a muslim too.

It's the same old thing: too halal to some people, too haram to some. I am a very emotion and intuition driven person, and I also reflect a lot on my heart and it's matters. I call myself a Sunni, and I try to stay on the middle of the road. But I like to dive deeper in things, and find more meaning to our practices. I want to learn so much more about the wisdom of our Prophets, and have a continuous connection with Allah swt. I want to identify the teachings of islam in real life, and see the order of things, how they are created by Allah swt. 

I mean, I want to be more conscious of Allah swt in everyday situations. Be genuinely grateful of the little blessing and the setbacks too. And I would like to talk and have conversations about this. I feel like I have dropped in a well and need help to get out of there. I crave for connection and reasoning. 

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In sha Allah things will get easier. The anxiety is right now the worst. 

And my new taupe abaya is so beautiful.

Let's pray for each other. And like I said, it's never that bad that it couldn't turn better. Seasons change, inevitably and by Allah's will. We need to hold onto hope.

Have a nice evening, later then,

Aisha