Chewing gum

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah :) how have u been?

I had a meeting with my nurse in the morning, then I did some grocery shopping and came home to rest the remaining day. I've been gathering my thoughts and practiced what I preach: I try to enjoy the moment.

...

These past two times I've met my nurse I've felt that something is off. And sometimes it's like that. Sometimes I don't also have anything new to say. It's normal to go on a little loop too. Mainly I keep on making my own life difficult by overthinking and being worried, even when I'm not actively anxious. Or I phrased that wrong, it's not me doing the overthinking, it just happens, and even though I can try to gain the control over it, it's not in my hands do I have it or not.

But it is truly frustrating when your own mind plays tricks on you. If I strip down all my thoughts and just objectively look at my life, I am so freaking happy, like really. I'm in a good place with everything and even though we have our own challenges, we have a lot to be thankful about. 

It has been difficult to enjoy of things for so long. I haven't only forgotten how to be happy and carefree, I've completely estranged from it, and it takes time to get my spark back. I was thinking about that on my way home, like how I have lost parts fo myself by my illness. Partly it might be the medicine, it does calm me but also maybe it takes an important edge off too. Partly it might be aging, I have lost the idealism I once had. And the creativity.. being excited about things. 

And partly, I've just grown. I used to be so all over the place when I was younger that this stable and somewhat predictable life might feel a bit boring, or lacking of something. It's just different now, and it's not a bad thing, at all. I guess I got tired of all the jumping around. Now I rather remember, and live my memories again if I have the energy for it. But mostly I focus on again new things, and how to grow more. Our stories are never-ending, so I refuse to stop here. 

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Tonight I don't have cup of tea, nor cup of cocoa - I just munch on chewing gum. It makes it easier to focus though. I'm wearing my better cardigan, the one I was supposed to wear as a jacket when weather turned colder, but never did wear. I don't want to save things for the "better days". Now is the better day!

I also took my winter handbag from my closet. It is woven-kind-of texture, with my favorite pattern which is houndstooth. I bought it from H&M many years ago, but actually it's my Chanel purse. Both of them are on the boycott list though, so just winter bag it is.

I have been a good little crazy lady and held onto my 3 second hand buys a month -rule. I'm currently thinking could I reduce it to 1 a month. I don't actually need anything. I could use the saved money more. I have had a bit of financial issues, mainly just using my savings every month so this can't go on forever, and won't if I end up using all. So I need to find ways to save money, because right now I can't work.

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I told the nurse today that I am a person who needs a goal. A point of reference. Destination. I need something to strive for.

I actually think I've found one, alhamdulillah. But I'll tell more about it later in sha Allah. 

But yeah, I have to have something to work for and put my mind into. I don't want to be lazy, I do get kicks out of being productive. I just need my goal.

And my personal history has shown that I can achieve big things if I just put my head into it. 

So maybe I can tackle these obstacles I have now too. In sha Allah.

...

It's not late yet, but it's time for me to curl up to the sofa corner and watch some tv. I'll be having two fresh plums and some yoghurt with frozen blueberries (they are the best, yum). I hope you're doing well, and if not, I hope your days get easier. May Allah guide us all.

Later then,

Aisha