Calm energy

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh all :) how have u been?

I have had things to do this week, so today I just did nothing all day. Well, I did hoover and mop the house, but after that I focused on relaxing. Alhamdulillah.

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It was a sunshiny day, but if you spend one of those inside the comfort of your home, it's all good. I don't have anymore any FOMO, I rather listen to myself and make my own rules. 

I had time for social media, and got scammed! I saw a Gudrun Sjöden advert on Tiktok, -80% sale! I love their clothes but they are too pricey for me so I got excited about the discount. I went to the site and found some socks and a sweater to buy. I went through the size guide, I checked the info of the products.. and was clearly too excited because I ended up buying the things, only to notice afterwards that this wasn't their official site, and the contact info was so shady. Gosh. I was even pondering that do I really need this, but I just wanted. Listen kids, following desires leads to loss. Luckily the amount of money wasn't that much, but it was still a lot to me, could've used it to so many other things too. Sigh.. 

And this is not the first time. I remember when I bought my first Veja trainers, same thing. An "official" site, so good discount, too good to be true. I ended up buying a real pair later, the first one vanished in the air.

Scams are common. I'm way too easily tricked, I hate it. But I can recognize most of the private people's scams nowadays. Just the other day, someone using name Bisan Owda (a Gazan journalist) tried to get a donation from me (her official account never sends private messages like that). Also there's so many others, telling their sad stories and asking for money. Now I can say no, but it used to be so difficult for me, even if I knew the person was probably scamming. And I hate these type of scams, because they count on your kindness and take advantage of it. I have also been financially abused, not in one relationship but more, and it's exhausting. It kinda brings shame, even though the shame belongs to the other. I don't know how these people live with themselves. Maybe it's human too, to do desperate acts in desperate times. But I sure hope these people had options. 

And there's people who really need help. And I sincerely do want to help if I can. I don't want to change and become cynical because I have had bad experiences. There's so many good encounters with strangers too. But the scamming.. it would change the situation so much if they'd just be honest with what they have going on. 

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I've been watching a lot of Girls lately on HBO. I watched it some time earlier, and finished on season 2. Now I found it again and it feels new. I ordered pizza for some company. 

Yeah, I definitely don't have any fear of missing out. I love to hang out at home. Maybe time has made me boring but I am happy with my life. It's good my husband keeps my feet on the ground while I still reach out for the stars. I have lived really through crazy times! And done some crazy stuff. Now I'm happy I have done all that, but also happy that I am doing so much more stable now. Company matters a lot, and I hope our marriage will be a lasting one. 

Because in the relationships before, I have had to do things over my abilities. I have had to constantly overcome obstacles and make money, do favors, tell different stories to my circle.. I have been in hospital, things have gone that bad, and those loves of my lives haven't been able to protect me from them or myself.

Don't get me wrong, I have also gotten great experiences, I've travelled and seen a lot, I have felt loved.. some glimpses at least.

But now, I have space to be myself. I don't have to be anything else. I can just be me, with my mental illness, with my belly rolls, with my quiet days, with my mistakes and flaws. My husband is weird too, in his own cute way, and we both like to spend our time at home. For the first time, I don't only have a husband and a lover, but I have a companion. Someone to really share life with. We have goals to reach together. We have a life to live together, in sha Allah.

That matters to me so much more, and this has been a healing experience so far. And I love this calm energy.  

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I think I'll watch some more Girls, and I got some pizza left too. Thank you for reading! Next time then,

Aisha