Warm socks and warm blanket

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh :) How are you?

It's been a bit cold! I love it. I love summer too but it feels good to wear warm clothes and snuggle up under a blanket. In sha Allah. :) 

Today I went to take my medicine at the hospital. I should be able to go to a clinic instead of the hospital, which is further away. The groups are all full, so hospital it is then. It's ok.. the nurses are really nice. They also provide coffee, tea and some snacks. It feels nice as a patient that they have put thought and effort to make people feel as comfortable as possible. This kind of medicine requires a three hour monitoring, so yeah, we all spend there some time. I managed to drink three cups of coffee which was a mistake, but alhamdulillah. Calmed down now ::)

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I started to watch a program called Kirjolla, this is season two. It's a reality about four people who are on the spectrum of autism. I'm always interested about people who are different in some way, as I've always felt different than others myself too. 

It takes so much time to be able to accept myself. I think it's natural for us to crave the acceptance of others, so it's easy to get lost in pleasing others on a hunt of approval. And partly it's necessary. It's kind of a compromise, for common good. But on the other end of course, it's tragic to lose yourself.

I've been always different, for different reasons. In my teenage years it was more like a goal. I wanted to be even more different. I felt powerful to look different, dress different, walking on my own path. After some years my mental health had gone to a point where I was feeling so depressed and suicidal, and eventually was diagnosed with my current diagnosis. That time changed me a lot. I was a long period in hospital, against my own will, and eventually it broke my spirit. So I just wanted to become normal.

I tried so much to be something I was not. And it worked for a while. It was partly helpful and healing experience also. I became more realistic instead of being more of an idealist, maybe age has played its part as well in this change. Now I have the best parts of both. I remember reading from somewhere that you have to know the both extremes to be able to find the middle line.

My other extreme is a safe place, where I can be as much of myself as I can or want to be. Home, to be specific :)

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I've been also thinking about different personalities. Maybe some of you are familiar with the 16 personalities test. I am an INFJ :) which is referred as Advocate, and it's one of the rarer personality types. As a muslim now, I don't want to get back into astrology, so this personality test seems like a good substitute, even better one. The questions are quite specific and the results are very accurate. 

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I have wrapped myself in a cardigan, waiting for my green tea. Life feels good and exciting, alhamdulillah. I start to feel like I'm getting somewhere on this mountain :) It's good to look back and see things on a different perspective. I have carried a lot of shame for every failure, but now the so-called failures don't matter so much. I've started to speak to myself more gently and understanding, merciful way. 

I think walking the same loop starts to bear fruit. In the end, I think we all have certain core issues which we battle through our lives, to each their own. But once you've walked enough times of the same circle, you will start to notice that it is actually your own, dear life, as it is. And as it's supposed to be, like yourself.

Thank you for reading,

Aisha