It's a long journey back

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah dear readers :) how's your week going?

I am doing fine alhamdulillah, thanks for asking, lol, not many ask actually. I always ask everybody and disappoint every time a bit when they answer just "fine". Like please, tell me everything, let's drink tea and chat.

Well anyways, I've had some appointments, also time home and with my spouse, hair curling up, and little turtle boy still sleeping. I think I should be more fine than I'm feeling, but there's many reasons why things feel a bit difficult.

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I have met occupational therapist, physiotherapist and today an experience expert (kokemusasiantuntija?). It was a nice talk, don't know was it so groundbreaking but it was helpful. It confirmed my thoughts about not going back to work yet, and just focusing on myself now a while, as long as it is needed.

They try to help me, with getting me into groups and finding alternative ways to spend my days, get some peer support etc. So mainly, it's really positive. Or I mean, they have good intentions. I just start to feel very tired of these meetings. I don't want to dwell in my issues because it just never gets better, whatever I do, so I rather just keep on doing what I have done so many years: making effort to be fine and manage my daily tasks. 

It's really so bad and it really doesn't ever get better.

But that's how some of us have been wired. I do have managed to succeed in life after all, I guess, at least I am alive and generally doing very well. And happy too, of course, I have lots of reasons to be happy and thankful. Just past few days have been difficult. 

I also realized today that my anxiety might be hormone related too. I don't know if it's a thing, but I'll bring it up next time I meet my nurse in sha Allah. 

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Also some old memories haunt me in my dreams. I want to look forward, just sometimes the memories drag me down. That's partly why I am in tears so freaking easily. Ugh. I'm tired of it.. what's past is past is past is past and that's it. Some things can't be fixed and are maybe then just supposed to stay like that. 

I was also, supposed, to go tomorrow to boxing class, but I think I'm gonna skip it and go buy some markers and acrylic paints, get me some art therapy, that's the best. I want to paint flowers and finish two paintings I have been making. For the kids' bedroom, in sha Allah. (I don't have children btw).            

Isha break..

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But yeah, I raise a flag for this, taking time to myself. I have been wanting to "get better" for so many years, now I am just tired. I don't want to be better. I want the help and support. And the least I can do is give some help and support for myself. It can't be underlined enough that to heal you have to start by letting yourself to do so.

And this part of my path might just need the tears, to soften my heart for myself. How is it so easy to be empathetic towards others, and so harsh to yourself?

 

 

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Alhamdulillah still. The thought of making something creative soon is soothing. Writing is good and helpful. I try to remember to be more mindful and take care of my outlines. Everything will be fine again in sha Allah ♥

Aisha