It's me you confide in

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah all :) how are you doing?

Alhamdulillah. Still on the mountain, though today I went to visit one of my friends and had a real nice talk with her. I'm so happy people around me understand how I need now time for myself. I hope I get the chance to be that understanding friend too.

...

I have so many things to talk about, I can't make up my mind should I open up or just not write at all.. In the end I feel kinda sad that I bring emotional baggage to my new relationship, to be honest. It's human, yes, many of us have been there, but it is disappointing because past should stay past. But really like.. how many are the stories about lying, cheating, manipulative, toxic men in our lives? Sister to sister.. 

And so many seem to be in a good relationship, ma sha Allah, everything beautiful.. kids, spouse, house, career. And the truth might be so different from that perfect picture.

Sometimes it just makes me think, what is the part of woman in this life and why so often we must play that part, devotedly, without complaint?

Or on the other hand, if Allah swt gives us who we need and hope for as a spouse, and then we are so marinated in the bad experiences and stories that we almost refuse to believe in what goodness we actually have?

And then also, when we are happily married, we must hide that too? Have to be cautious about evil eye, jealousy? Protecting our happily ever afters, not to be an inspiration to others who still, desperately, want to believe in true love?

We should celebrate new beginnings, not to feel ashamed for bad endings. I have to remind myself and you, dear readers, that Allah swt is in the control of everything, every single little thing, and we are in a place and position where we are supposed to be, no matter is it "good" or "bad".. it's an "alhamdulillah". But same time, we have the spirit in us which wants to strive forward through these battles, and change the matters we are not happy of.

So only thing I can really say is, I hope you are happy and if you are not, make effort to change it and give the rest to Allah swt. You deserve to be loved, and you should also give that love to yourself.

I hope also all the liars, life destroying narcissists, controllers, abusers and the rest of them will get the same treatment they give to others. Or better, change their ways.

I'm not sure have I ever been fully respected by a man. There has always been someone breaking or pushing my boundaries, taking me for granted, taking me as I was stupid, destroying my innocence, taking advantage of my kindness and every little penny I have.. I never have had a positive role model for a man or a spouse. I have believed they exist though. But I never really knew how it feels to be loved by a real man. 

It takes time to learn. In sha Allah we have time.

So back to what I think is the part of a woman.. is it true behind every great man there's a woman, and how and more importantly, why, the woman has to always stay there, behind that man?

Ideally it would be safer. But is it really? Men could ask this question from theirselves. 

...

Well, anyways.. I just had a nice cup of hot cocoa and some dates. Back to the safe zone.. This is just how life is, some days go easy and some not. I am clearly an over thinker and anyone who is, knows the drill.. I guess it's not so serious after all. 

I saw a video of this islamic scholar, I don't remember his name but he is well known (sh. Bilal Assad if I'm not wrong.. it's in his recent Tiktok). He talked about how our ways and perfecting them can become part of our character. So it is possible to re-wire our brain and mold our personality traits into what we wish them to be. It just is about practicing the personality traits and over time they will become automatic to us, as a part of our renewed personality. I think I have done that in the past, but maybe forgot to actively do nowadays. But it all comes down to becoming a better muslim, a life long journey. 

I want to be more strong and more positive person. It's hard task for someone who has mental health issues. I do think myself as an positive person, and maybe I am, but the illness has taught me to be suspicious and assume the worst, in this weird way of protecting myself. That's not how it should go, of course. But I have to acknowledge it, because otherwise I can't change my actions.

I need good experiences, and alhamdulillah I am having them. After quitting my job and moving to this mountain I have learned so much already about myself and people, and life in general. I feel like I am living a new, different life. Which might look the same but it's different still. I have all the bricks, just need to start building, in sha Allah.

Thanks for listening, later then,

Aisha