You make my days

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah dears :) how are u?

I swear I was going to quietly quit writing this blog. Like I have, couple times before. I kinda feel that I don't have so many readers anymore, so well, what's the point when I can just keep a regular diary/journal. But then there you are, dears, coming back again. And also some new ones too, alhamdulillah. I don't know who you are but you make my days ♡ 

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I recently met my nurse and occupational therapist and had a good talk with them. I like them both and I am happy they seem to understand me well. We laughed and talked about my tortoise. Also talked about me and my future. 

The amount of guilt and anxiety I am carrying for only not to be able to live a similar life than my peers same age.. something that necessarily doesn't even exist. I just wrote to one of my friends when she was struggling, that it's partly a generational experience for us millennials, to not have been able to succeed in life same way as we expected. I just feel like life costs so much. And my life was somewhat a survival struggle until I was like 25. After that it's been healing, then I had the Jamaica years and only just now I'm in a stable situation.

But like they said, my nurse and the therapist, I have to accept my situation and kinda make the best outta it. I was worrying is my life just gonna pass by while I gawp on Netflix or what. And they answered that everything I tell them about my days, seems like I actually have a nice life. And that meant a lot.

It's true I have a nice life, alhamdulillah. Maybe I have lost my sight while I felt so long time that I lost so much. Maybe I did, but alhamdulillah for what I have gained too.

I have to internalize the thought of just being happy with where I am in life. The worrying and anxiety are part of my illness, so I can't just try to cut it off, but I can take this more calmly and easily. I don't have to always become a better me and take too much stress about it. I am okay.

I mean, Finnish readers, do you remember the "let me love" stickers? They were everywhere, somewhere around the 2000's or 2010's, I'm not sure anymore.. but yeah, I'd love a version "let me be". I want to just be and let to do it in peace. 

Because why do I worry about my situation or future, is in the end other people's words or thoughts that make me stress. Some of it comes from my parents, some maybe from the society. The lifelong sentence, "what do people think", or "you should just gather yourself" and "go to work". I can't. I'm broken.

So why wouldn't I just, like I said, take it easy and actually enjoy for a change?

I will, in sha Allah. :)

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So yeah, I've been watching Netflix and today I was fasting too, starting now with the ones left from last Ramadan. My days as a wife go usually with waking up as early as I can, taking care of the tortoise, and having some tea. Then I try to exercise if I don't have anything planned. After that I do chores and cook so everything is ready when my husband comes from work. Later in the evening I watch tv and scroll through social media while my husband sleeps. And sometimes I write this blog :) 

People like to say it's the simple things. I've always felt I've made for something bigger, I don't know what it could be. But if I look at my life until this day, well, it's been a hell of a journey to be honest, and it was a lot. Like I wrote last time, I don't know if I could make it again. But then again, maybe I would. I think I have still some adventures left in me. But the time for them is not right yet. So until then, I will learn, in sha Allah, to relax and once the calling comes I will be ready. :)

Later,

Aisha