Inbalance or in balance?

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh all :) how was your weekend?

I have been kinda busy. Past days I have been either fasting or going to gym, and then doing the regular chores. It's like I can do only one thing a day, or normally it has been so.. now I have become more active and I feel like I also have more hours in a day, alhamdulillah. Not all my spare time will go to recovering for what I have been doing. It really shows that I have gotten past the worst anxiety, at least for now, ma sha Allah. I want to take all the extra energy and comfortableness and make it work for me this while in sha Allah.

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I am now 36 years old, and I (we) don't have children. Yet..? This is a topic that brings me sadness. Because I have wanted to become a mom for some time now. I think when I was in my twenties, I wasn't really ready and definitely didn't have the type of life or relationship that would have been stabile enough to bring a new person in the world. Actually all of my past relationships were kind of.. rollercoasters, each their own way. And I wasn't ready. Now that I am in a good, stable relationship, ma sha Allah, and my life is going alright, I am not so young anymore.

Some say you can't long for things you've never had. But boy I wish I had even one of my own. Nobody says it, but especially when I meet new sisters, go to masjid, go to events.. it's there. I don't have children. I feel like an alien, so I don't feel comfortable going to the mosque. And for many moms it's a way of bonding, through the children, and I can't really join the conversation so I kinda naturally then step out. And it's not even about that, what 'people' or 'society' might say, it's just a natural need. To love and take care in the best way possible, of a little human. 

I know that we still have time, in sha Allah. And I've had to make my plan B, as making peace with the truth that I might end up childless. So before we can go to medical examines of what might be going on, I have decided to just take it easy and trust in Allah. That thought gives me the most of peace I can have. And that's all I can say to anyone if anyone asks.

And also.. I am not the only one. It's just a topic not so eagerly spoken about, but I know there are more of us. And to all of you I'd like to say, you are not alone, and I know how you feel ♥

And finally, I want to add an important note too. You can talk to me about your kids, you can reveal pregnancy news. I am not jealous or envy you, subhan Allah. I am happy for you and I do make an effort to understand this part of your life. Just try to understand mine too, that's all. Nothing has gone wrong with a mutual understanding, right? :)

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But alhamdulillah, I am happy with my life like it is. What will come, I try to accept best way possible. Sometimes people can be eager to judge each other's life without knowing or forgetting that everything really comes from Allah swt. So who are we to judge what our Creator has destined for us?

Yeah. Alhamdulillah, can one even say that enough. But anyways, it is now close to isha time, so I will get ready to pray. Have a nice evening and I hope you are ok ♥

And P.S. Here's our baby sleeping :) he is always hungry so that's why he sometimes sleeps at his food bowl.. he's fine tho, no worries. 

Aisha