Nightmares and assumptions

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 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh dears. How have you been?


I haven't had so good day today. I mean, it has been ok but you know how even small arguments just set the mood wrong. I feel bad. Last night I had bad nightmares and now I want to just be voluntarily an outcast and stay away from everybody.

Well that can't happen either, because my introvert a** is also very social, so of course I've already been talking with people (important things, like would they love me if I was a worm). But I think I should look into the mirror. Maybe I'm not a nice person at all?


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I have had a quite a past, I would say. My illness is not easy, it's one of the severe mental illnesses a person can have, and the time I fell ill was really difficult because I didn't get right kind of help either from my family or boyfriend at that time, or even the professionals. I was really out of control, very suicidal and had trouble with drugs. I have blamed myself thousand times for the things I have done, then and later too. I've just had to come to a conclusion that everyone answers of themselves. I can only be better today than yesterday, as cliché as it sounds. 

And a big part of my past and my relationships was that I got treated badly too. It still reminds me sometimes of itself. I could do better though. But learning takes time. I think when you are treated good, you instantly will feel so much more secure so it cuts the sharp edges off. It's crazy that it has taken 37 years to learn these things..

But alhamdulillah. Maybe the next 37 years I could actually remember what I've learned.

 



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So a bit sad day. It is better to be hurt than be the person who hurts others. I wish my past would stop haunting me.

Otherwise it's been ok. I went to market to pick few things. I have also been eating a lot of chocolate. Scrolled social media. Watched tv and relaxed. I cooked today but it wasn't good. Oh well.

Ok ok, I stop complaining now. Alhamdulillah. My friend still loves me if I'm a worm. And I guess my husband does too, even if I'm a 💩

Tomorrow another day in sha Allah.




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I hope you are doing ok. I'm gonna go and eat one Karelian pie. Later then dears,


Aisha

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