Main character

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh :) how have u been?

My day started with grocery shopping, and my husband came to help me because I was stressing about it too much. Alhamdulillah. We got everything we needed. Then I relaxed a bit and started cooking. Today we ate some rice and beans, tomato stew (for hubby with meat and for me with mushrooms), salad, and I had also some pan fried halloumi-type of cheese. Then we have been relaxing, and I wanted to take my time to talk with you guys :) I'm pretty tired though, I might take a nap. But let's chat first.

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I'm currently learning/remembering what it was like to be the main character. I have a tendency to put myself aside and it has become a part of my personality, which is not good. I mean, how it looks like is that I am a good listener, I take care of my friendships (also by being usually the first one to call/text), I quit what I'm doing and answer the phone and so on.. Literally I put myself on a shelf and focus on others. 

I explain it to myself that I am a good person, caring, attentive, empathetic.. but it just pours from a hole that's getting larger and which I have created all by myself. For not giving that same amount of time and effort to myself.

Sometimes I wonder has my retreat to the mountains, as I call it, has done any good so far. Surely my life is very calm and I have less anxiety. But is it just that I have these glass walls and I'm still looking outside trying to find answers or a cure that is not there.

I'm making progress, alhamdulillah. But I think it's time for me to start to hang out with myself. Ask myself, how am I doing and how's my week been. Without any rush or having to run forward, taking steps and learning and unlearning. Being just me and sit in silence. What will come up?

Sometimes the things pop onto the surface while I pray. Mostly it is hidden. It has been so long time a default for me to work towards a (common) goal and I have forgotten what it means to enjoy and relax. Because when your mind is busy, it doesn't matter if you sleep or lay down, you can't get the rest you need. 

So I have actively (I can't stop this, help me) relaxed. I lay down on the sofa and put down my phone and just stay still. With no thoughts, not responding to these "I need to do this and that" nonsense my brain tries to feed me. I let my mind then wander, letting some thoughts stay and some thoughts go. I feel how I feel. I reach and find myself under all the pressure, stress, expectations, restrictions. And I can say it feels good. I'm happy to meet me again, let me tell you she's a nice woman ma sha Allah, hehe.

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I know it might sound a bit too much, like isn't she anyways always just talking about herself? Well, I think it's better I talk about my own experiences and realizations than gossiping about other people, for example. And this is my blog, if not elsewhere, here I am the main character. My intention to write these notes is to organize my own thoughts, and also give peer support for you, dear readers. I have a severe mental illness, which means also that most of the regular traits and skills people usually learn early in life are still a learning process for me. That's why I need to go through these matters so much, just to make it make sense for me. And I've chosen to do it this way, by writing about in on my blog. It's not for everyone, but some are following and I am happy about that. 

And we all need to do choices, every day. I choose to be an advocate of things that matter to me, and I choose to make a difference in my personal life and hopefully in the world too. I want to go forward in life and see what's around the corner, even though I might now have to stay still for a while. I choose to develop myself.

But first, I need to cherish myself. So this main character is currently in a montage, one of those where the day turns from morning to night. Not in one of those where seasons change, because in sha Allah this won't last that long, hehe. I just need a little bit of time for this. 

And I encourage you too, sweetie, to take your time for yourself and do it unapologetically. We owe nothing to anyone really. Caring about others, and love, should come freely and with no strings attached. As a choice.

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I have my hibiscus tea, hubby and dinosaur are sleeping. The weather forecast was promising some rain and cold, like a "winter back again" as we usually have it a few times in the springtime. It has been a bit warm and a sunshiny day, maybe just a little cloudy.. alhamdulillah. I still need to do the dishes, and maybe take that nap. In sha Allah. 

Have a nice evening,

Aisha