Masks

 Assalamu aleikum 🌻 how's everything?

So I want to start writing my story again and more real this time. I will write about all kinds of things, but a deep sea fish that I am, I will probably talk about some heavy issues. I hope it won't scare you away, and I hope it won't become a source of gossip either. Just what do we really have, if we don't hold onto the truth? 

But I'll share some recipes and bring back monthly fave lists etc. in sha Allah, so no worries 🌻

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When I wrote last time that there has happened something, well, I recently remembered a trauma. It has been always in the back of my head, but before, I never really knew for sure. But once I really started to remember.. 

Now it has turned my world upside down. There's so many questions that keep disturbing me. A strange feel of relief, too, from finally getting answers and reasons. I'm not sure am I feeling strong or vulnerable. I'm used to being anxious and stressed.. To my surprise, I don't feel that much anxious anymore. It has changed to sadness, and heaviness. And same time this tranquility has taken a hold of me like a hug from above, like I'd suddenly become unbreakable. Like there's a whole new strenght in me. It's a lot, all of this.

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I've been making a special du'aa for a while now. I've been asking Allah (swt) to reveal truth, just truth overall. We've been wearing masks for more than a year now, but how many of us have worn masks their whole lives? Does it really protect us from the virus of unacceptance?

I'm all for wearing masks and protecting each other, what comes to Covid19 and possible other viruses in the future. But what I mean is, when we are hiding the pain that others have caused us, who are we protecting? 

And it is so difficult to say it out loud. That hey, I'm hurt and heartbroken. How someone can treat another human being like that? Break her, and let her feel all her life, that there's something so wrong with her that she shouldn't even be alive. 

And the times I overreacted later on. And the fact that due to those situations it is so easy to see me as a bad person. Maybe I am a bad person then, maybe it's easier.. So I have kept my mask on.

We all will do something wrong at some stage. It's not possible to grow as a person without making mistakes, and unfortunately, without hurting or getting hurt by people. Or not even to grow as a person. Rather, just to live as a human.

Where should the guilt end, and responsibility start? And when you've used to put all the blame on yourself, it's hard to see where others have crossed the line.

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How to move forward from this?

 I asked this question from myself a few days ago. I hadn't slept well for five nights, and I really didn't know. Alhamdulillah I am a muslim, so the first solution is always to turn to Allah (swt). Then, trying to find the balance between processing and distancing. When all the processing started to get overwhelming, I shifted to doing household chores and some exercise. That helped to get my thoughts on the present day, and the fact that everything is still ok and there's good things and people in my life. That it's just a regular monday/tuesday/wednesday. And like my therapist and my friends advised me, I don't have to rush to solve everything right now. 

Aisha