Worthy? Worthy.

 Assalamu aleikum, today I have a heavier subject again..

..Shame. It's a word that can almost manifest itself only by read or said aloud. And feeling ashamed.. can make one feel small, embarrassed, even worthless. Opposite of pride. The kind of pride a person needs, to be able to be proud of oneself. To be proud to be who you are.

I've thought a lot lately about social anxiety. It has been always controlling my life at some level. It has a lot to do with how I've succeeded, or haven't succeeded in things I would have wanted to. And the feeling of being trapped inside myself, not being able to express myself fully and freely. And the social anxiety goes, at least in my case, hand in hand with shame. I've always had that feel that there's just so much wrong in me, and I'm simply not as good as everyone else, just never good enough. Not good enough to have any talent, skill, or good enough to pursue my dreams. Or to have real friends. To be worthy of anyones love. 

Sounds really sad actually, and I can't turn it around to be something better than it is. When I look back to my childhood and teenage years, lot could have been done and lot could have been prevented if I only would have had a little guidance. But I was expected to learn everything by myself. No support. The major thing I learned was that love must be earned and it's conditional. Depending of other's 'mercy' on me, but never a given.

Degrading, underestimating.. these all have had a major impact on my confidence. It makes me so angry to realize how alone that child was, with her burdens. When I think that awkward teen, with her braces, acne and orange hair.. copying with an eating disorder.. and her first attempts to relieve her depression by taking some prescription pills, stolen from the kitchen cupboard. 

And of course she was the problem. It was her fault to start using drugs. It was her fault that she was suicidal. Just because she was her. Her rebellion was taken as bad behaviour instead of a situation where a reliable adult was supposed to step in.

...

 For clarity, I am highlighting some parts of my life and that's not the whole story. But what really happened and why, that is what I am trying to figure out. 

...

The shame.. whose it was in the first place? Before it became an eerie tradition, to pass it on to the next generation, paired with unnegotiable silence? Like a heritage, heavier than bars of gold and much harder to get rid of than a vain pile of money. Given to our loved ones during arguments, handing it out to strangers in internet, we have it so much that it's easy to be generous with it, here take it, you didn't deserve it but here it is. You just have to take it. Shame on you.

...

Shame is not one of the feelings we link to positivity, the ones that pushes us forward. But it does have it's purpose and place. It is important to feel shame if we have done something wrong. Wronged others or ourselves. But it can be a very draining companion. It's at least evenly important to notice the difference on ones actions and the person. If someone grows to believe that they are shameful, the unlearning from that is a long process and the scars may stay forever.

I want to believe it's possible, to heal, in sha Allah. I think about these things every day, because I still have my spirit, and I don't want to be a prisoner of my past. Least, prisoner of other peoples mistakes. Recognizing the patterns and causes helps, talking about it helps. And keeping boundaries. 

Aisha