Mediation

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah 👋

Here I am, alhamdulillah. Past week has been especially a bit of a mess. And by 'past week' I mean myself.. 😨 But I think it's better to write it out. And in sha Allah it's gonna work out.

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So I have had actually many difficulties in adjusting the life here. It has more to do with me myself than anything here. Maybe it's the big change itself, and the intention to now stay here that has made my perspective so serious.

In reality, many people have been warm and welcoming. My husband works long days, and is tired all the time, subhan Allah. Still he is always loving and patient, ma sha Allah. In reality, I am so happy to be here. The house we're living in feels like home. Everything is fine, alhamdulillah.

Same time, in my mind I have been feeling that I never can fit in. I haven't been a good wife, I have been so insecure, and things that don't really matter have gotten wings. Eight legs, eight eyes. To talks about me that point out all my flaws and shortcomings, stings to my soft spots. I started with so good energy and happiness, and all of it shrinked day by day until just vanished. 

And Shaytaan loves that. A downhill where the person is easy to push. "She still doesn't have a baby" "She should just leave" "My husband should be with someone much better" "I am a bad muslim". Staying inside the house all the time. Can't cook (?). Weight loss. Confidence loss. Unsolved trauma haunting always somewhere, ready to ruin happy moments.

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I know I have to stop. I don't wanna fall into despair, or be ungrateful. I am tired to listen my own constant talk or, complaining, about all these insecurities I have. It's probably a part of the trauma too, especially what comes to my relationship with my husband. I still can't believe a person could really love me. Period, just love me. It might be that subconciously I'm looking for the reaction of abandonment and anger from him. And also looking for the acceptance from him.. am I enough? But what about today? What about now?

Often it might be that a person has some sort of a pattern they feel strangely safe in, repeating it in any tough situation. But again, in reality, it's 100% of my personal mess than anything "real". My feelings and insecurities are real, sure. But like an anonymous (?) quote says very well,

“If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you.”

Including myself, with my built in self destruction button. Activated nowadays as false alarms though, what makes it frustrating.

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One my favourite advice is that psychological hardships should be thought as they were physical. What happens in our heart and soul is deep and not curable with only one solution. It takes time, maybe therapy, sometimes medication, a change in enviroment, relationships, setting boundaries and lots of learning. Etc. But still, if I had now, let's say fever. Or I would have crutches. Anything. So I would relax more, and I wouldn't expect myself to be in my top form. I would have to settle with doing what I can. And would receive and accept the care from others. Like I would care for them when they need it. So if the pain is in my heart, why it would be less valid? Why I should put it aside and never hear what the pain is about? 

The silliest thing is, only thought that stops me to be myself, who I really am today and right now, and always, better days or difficult ones, is the one and only, "but what would people say". And quickly finding tens of horrible answers to that question.

This is one of the issues when I talk about being consistant. I want to be consistantly the regular me, but the depressed, abused, hurtful and hurted evil twin living inside of me insists me, to never really just be.

Who cares if I do laundry today, or not, or the food slightly burns on the gas stove? Only thing that might get hurt is my high demands for myself. Me and the gas stove will anyways keep on heating and cooling down quick, that's just how we are.

I asked my husband before he went to work, what he would like me to do while he's away. He said, "nothing, just be here when I come back". 😊 I'm going to go with that now, in sha Allah. I'm going to stay and go through this. Allah (swt) is the best of planners.

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I like simple life and I find happiness in small things, like I think most of people do? 

Now I find happiness from Khaled Siddiq's "Rise up" and "The Moon". I find happiness in knowing that Allah swt watches me, and has made me to be alive, and fulfilling my purpose in life. May it be through struggle or the time of growth.

❤ Aisha