Art therapy

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah 🌸

The weather has been rainy for weeks. Alhamdulillah. Rain can be loud and dangerous even, but it has a calming effect. I like when can stay inside and listen the sounds. Or sit outside at the balcony.

Here's one bird which's song sounds like glass. It's a rainy day bird, apparently, because I always hear it sing during or after the rain.

...

I am a rainy day bird too. And a deep sea creature. Could be a phoenix.. but I've been distinguished before I can go through my natural process. 

I am also like the weather, changing every day. And I often feel like I'm just air. Even to my dearest.

One could say, "we need air to breathe, it's a must". But it is the oxygen that our lungs crave, constantly. 

I find it hard to find my light and spark. Everything has turned into mud. Sticky and I rather just not go there.

...

I feel like home here. 

And it's like always, home home or here: I am alone.

It's getting hard to keep telling myself that I am worthy, and it feels useless to write down lists of emotions and qualities of me, to cheer up myself. It is always the same list, no matter if I'm 13, 23 or 33 years. It hasn't taken me anywhere. Yet?

The solutions sound so easy. "Go to see her-and-her", "you need to go out more", "find a hobby".. I miss my hubby. He's the one I came here for. And I don't know are we 'we' anymore.

There's him. Here's me. Can you see us.. together?

In every relationship there's phases that couples have to go through. How to know what is a phase and what is.. what it is?

I love my husband so much. Things just have changed so much. 

...

This is how mental health problems might look like. Like a roof getting more and more wet spots and leaks. I have tried, I've really tried and can say it honestly. I just don't have as much coping skills or internal balance to keep my head over surface. I get tired and start to sink.

And I see beautiful fishes. Little bubbles here and there. Seaweed, corals. 

The water is warm from the sun. I look at the light and it fills my heart. Should I reach up to breathe or bathe in the salty water.. the womb of Earth. A dreamland.

But human is neither a sea creature or just a dream. Flesh, blood, bones. Skin.

The rain is chaos, and the breeze feels similar to when, someone blew to my wounds when I was still new in this world. I grew. 

To be alone. Let the rain tap my story on the zink.

And the breeze carry my letter in a bottle. 

- Aisha