I do love myself

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah all :) how are you?

Yeah. I've decided to love myself again. There's changes coming and happening.. I'm moving soon in sha Allah, and I've taken more steps to gain that beautiful serenity and peace of mind. Well, in reality I also can't sleep, I haven't been able to do so many months now. I also had an anxiety attack today, but minus those small inconveniences, I'm doing just fine. No worries.

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I have so much love to give and I've decided to give it to myself. And friends and family too, but mainly I try now to give myself what I have been deprived from for so long time. Who will love me if I don't? Let me tell you, it's scammers, abusers and all their lovely friends. So I have to love and value myself and let it shine through, so that the right person can see that. And also just do it for myself and not to anybody really.

I will start to post more, in sha Allah. I have lot of things I want to talk about. And I want to post about all the fun stuff too. Fav lists, recipes, fashion forecasts.. it doesn't mean I'm not trying to be aware of what is happening in the world. We all still need to keep on boycotting and educate ourselves more on the current genocides happening. But I feel like I need to let somewhat loose now because I have been so anxious and frustrated. Writing my blog gives me that small sense of purpose and gives me a way to connect, and it makes me happy too.

Some days are for you, and some days are against you, said Mufti Menk. And that is so true. Today might be a mystery and tomorrow's a misery.. or how did it go. (: 

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These past two years I went through the most painful break up ever. The connection stayed, and it was only harmful, as I see it more clearly now. Being in this no contact state just lets me breathe and be more stress free. I feel like I have gained some of that peace of mind I've been praying. Alhamdulillah. 

I want to start on a clean slate. New home, new pet(! I will tell more later), new mindset, renewing my relationship with Allah swt, taking back some good habits I've forgotten.. and Ramadan is coming soon ♥ in sha Allah everything will work out. And it always does, one way or another. Allah swt has the best plan.

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Just these sleepless nights keep going on. I am tired, I want to sleep, I go to bed early.. but I'm just rolling around and thinking all the past events. You know the drill. childhood, teenage years, relationships.. feeling all kinds of feelings. But I want to go through this, I don't want to run away anymore.

One evening I was sitting on the sofa crying. Then I just said to myself, look. I am a really nice person and if someone doesn't appreciate that, it's not my loss. I do my best for those who I love. I have boundaries now, and I am not accepting just anything. But I have a lot of love to give, memories to make, foods to taste, walks to walk.. so it takes a really special person to be able to have all that. And why would I cry after someone who takes me for granted? Maybe Allah swt has someone for me, waiting and making du'aa to find me. So really, I don't need to worry about a thing.

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It's three a.m. here in Finland. I watched million TikToks about Swedish candy. We have all that here too! Or actually, I don't. I wish I had.. I know what I will buy for tomorrow's tea time with my friend in sha Allah.

Anyways, I think my concentration is gone. I'm not sure yet should I stay up all night or go to sleep for few hours. But thank you for reading and come back soon. Like I said, I will post now more frequently in sha Allah.

- Aisha