He was, she was

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 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah everyone :) how are u doing?


I had a day off today, so I just cleaned home and went to market. I didn't even need a jacket, so beautiful weather.. Alhamdulillah for everything.


...


I have been living in dangerous waters lately, mostly in my head though. I don't know do other reverts struggle with the old life calling. I was an addict and I will always be. It's not a trait to feed, not at all. But why the jahiliyah is coming to me like my destiny? 

I know I can do better.

It's definitely not easy. My faith has wavered and I am thinking where to go with it. One old friend is leaving islam and it somehow affects me too. I start to question - even though I already have all the answers.

But I will stay being a muslim, in sha Allah. Just a phase I guess. There has been a lot of phases in these 9 years so this may pass too.


...


I started using Vinted app. Right now it works in Finland, Sweden and Lithuania, if I'm remembering right. There's used clothes and other things like toys etc. So far I found a really nice bomber jacket, a jean jacket and now I ordered a checkered shirt to wear in the evenings, less than 4e all together, shipping and all. Nice!

I try to hold onto my hijab, so I might buy some new scarves too, in sha Allah, have to see my budget but anyways I thought maybe having some new colors to wear could bring me more joy in wearing it. I know it's about pleasing Allah swt, and hijab isn't a fashion accessory for me but.. well you got the point. A cheer up is what I mean. :)


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What else.. marriage going fine, alhamdulillah. Some days are good and some days just go by. Like it normally goes. This is probably most closest of a normal relationship I have been. The normality is killing me but I hold on, this man is available (for me), is open, treats me well.. I am adjusting and living this normal life. I can't spill all the tea so I won't go so much into it but yeah, it's kinda strange that things are going good.

I'm used to rollercoasters and deep feelings..

And now this is so easy and nice. We have our own issues still. Is this a sightseeing bus or a nice restaurant on the side of the amusement park? I kinda want to be the balloon that got away.. and same time I want my hubby to win me a prize.

I should be happy. And I am. Just thinking that if I am not able to conceive, this will end. Or will he find someone else?

I want to write three words now but I can't. 

It's just new to me I guess. 


...


I know this blog is interesting because of my honesty, but I can't tell everything. I wish I could talk to someone without any filter and tell all the things that are going on.

The worst is that I had that person but I can't.

I can't.


...


Everything is still fine. This is my inner drama and even though I like peace and contentment, I happen to find myself in some kind of drama anyway. 

But this is a good example of a situation where everything is fine and then.. it's not also fine at all.

Feelings..


Well, feelings come and go. In sha Allah this will work out too. Next time then,


Aisha


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