Medicine

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah dears :) how was your weekend?

I ate all my cookies yesterday so now I'm re-evaluating my life choices. It's good to also stay on the healthier side, did share a good mango with husband so there's no reason to complain. I'm still a bit ill, I thought I got better already but I feel sick again, subhan Allah. That's why today's tea is just a paracetamol drink..

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I knew my happy moment wouldn't last so long. It's been kinda sticky two days, and I think it is my own fault. To share the happiness publicly. But I don't know, how are we gonna live if one can never be happy out loud? There will always be someone giving evil eye, that's almost impossible to escape.

And what comes to the evil eye, I've been onto that subject. I started to see all these women on Tiktok, talking about jealousy. It's not new to me, but it was actually eye-opening to hear all the characteristics of jealous people around you. It's easily something that kinda lingers, and you can't quite put your finger on it. You just feel this negative, awkward energy. It might be some belittling little comments, or straight up judging. It might come across as adoration, but in reality it doesn't have pure intentions. Or then it's just straight up hate speech. I've got my fair share of it, and it always surprises me. Why on Earth would someone be jealous of me? Me? Are we talking about the same person? :D But apparently, that's just how it is. Maybe most of us have had these experiences. Just be considerate who you let in your inner circle, as you want the people to be real, honest and caring. Not someone who is secretly competing with you. All the mind games belong now to the past. Don't let it poison your future.

Realizing this has helped me a lot with my social anxiety. Instead of feeling bad about some negative comments or some type of behaviors, I recognize it's not me or my fault, it's the other person feeling intimidated by me. Once again, the way other people behave, tells more about them than me. I am an expert of myself, because I'm the one who knows me the best. We all have our inner life that no one sees, only us and Allah swt. So it's up to me to define myself, as far as anyone need to be concerned. And as muslims, we know that what does not concern us, we should leave it.

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But what is important too in healing, is to have repairing/healing experiences. Knowing the problem spots well is just one part of it. It can help so much to have positive experiences to kinda rewire the connections in our brain. That will take time too. It's a cliché, but time heals, and time heals it best. 

One good indicator on having a repairing experience is, that it doesn't hurt! It might trigger some hurtful memories, but the situation doesn't make you hurt. In a matter of fact, in a safe time and space your mind actually feels safe enough to let you process some negative experiences and traumas. What matters is that you can also learn to let go of them. 

These are just my thoughts, but I talk from experience. I've been on this quest for quite some time.. 

But yeah, I've learned about letting go in the physiotherapy groups. They have been very effective on me, I'm not sure how but I see the progress and I've gotten some good feedback. There has been exercises where, for example, you hold a ball and do movements with it and then in the end, you let go of the ball. How good does it feel to let go! I also have to give credit to one of my friends who told me to "feel the feeling, and then let it pass". A really good advice. I'm happy that finally I am getting help and have been able to progress and lift myself up into a zone where I can feel more comfortable instead of the constant ongoing fight or flight mode. Everything feels much easier. Of course there's still more healing to do. But I feel like I have more tools for it and am able work on the problem parts.

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Yes. Well, I hope this helped someone. I drank my medicine and headache is gone, alhamdulillah. I will make a small snack before sleeping and tune in on the 90 days, hhh. Have a lovely evening, next time something more lighter in sha Allah,

Aisha