To know me is to love me

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah dears :) how are u?

I've been doing my things, just living daily life, alhamdulillah. Groceries, cooking, walking, talking with friends and now most recently, painting ( :)!) I don't know can other people see what I see in my paintings but it doesn't matter. It makes me feel better. My boys are so sweet too, my husband helped me to set up my painting space and then Suttis came to see me from around the corner but let me paint in peace. So cute ♥

...

Yesterday I wrote my diary and was thinking how I would describe myself. It's good to do these little lists, I like to see the 'facts' on paper and it's just easier to process. For some, making mind maps or those.. how to call it again.. vision boards? Well, anyways, you know what I mean. It's fun to do and gives a good insight in an outwardly way, if it makes sense.

I came to conclusions that I am an ok girl and I would be my friend. Old experiences start to unravel and I understand better why I might think a certain way or act certain way in situations. When you're doing therapy on your own it takes so long time but it's interesting. I have learned so many new things about myself.

...

You might think now, wow, Aisha really does yap about herself.. hhh. Well that's true, not gonna deny it. But it's vital for me to go through these things in various ways and times. I do think about other people too, and actually these problems I have now are a byproduct of focusing so much in others. Especially since last summer my doctor, nurse, occupational therapist and physiotherapist have told me to just take good care of myself. 

I've kinda grew up thinking I'm all I have. I have been a lot alone in my life. So I have only myself to really rely and trust. I've tried to be so invisible for so long. Hiding my true self from even myself. Because there never was a place for me in any table. Hhh being now invited to the Tiktok cookout has cheered me up though.. if you know u know. But seriously, we all like the feeling of being validated and valued, of course. Long time I have now sourced it from outside, and that can't happen anymore. I need to build up myself and part of it is getting to know myself all over again. One of my friends reminded me that a lot has happened in these past years. And like since I can remember. It's not easy to have a mental illness, you have to fight with it every single day. But it don't stop you from healing. Sick/ill and healthy are not the opposites. It's more of ill - tranquil and weak - healthy, in my opinion.

And the crazy thing is, you would think that age gives you more experience. And sure, it does. But also, the experiences will fling you to new atmospheres of uncertainty and anxiety again. Some experience is good and some is harmful. I thought in my twenties that I'd want to be a 'serene 40 year old' and I think that's gonna be my goal for now. I have four years time to get my things together. That's accomplishable, right? :)

...

I don't know where my life will go. But I love myself today a little more. It's a good start. And I love you guys too, and everything all at once. I love God, alhamdulillah. 

So I hope you are doing fine, next time new stuff again. I have some new beauty products to report :) So until next time,

Aisha