Reciprocity

 Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah dears :) how r u?

It looks like I have lost you, dear readers. But here I am, after a week's break from posting, and I have almost an endless supply of strawberry flavored green tea and some biscuits to keep me company. I wish you come back though. I am not perfect, sometimes I might say something that we can't agree on, but I'm open for a discussion. If I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. That is not my intention.

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We had a guest here for a few days, and we have also planned a trip to meet my mom, in sha Allah. It's nice to meet each other's family members. I feel like our relationship is growing and it feels good ♥ alhamdulillah. It's the small, every day things, and also a little rupture to the daily living. How we work and behave in different situations. And most importantly, how we work as a team. 

I've noticed how at a different age you just naturally need different things in a relationship than younger. I'm happy that I have been able to live through few long relationships, each different than other, and I've learned so much from them. Nothing is really what it seems. Sometimes you learn the most when the relationship ends. And after heart break, I really appreciate a person who treats me equally, is honest, wants to build a life together and be there as a partner, a companion. 

In the end what really matters is that you will choose each other every day, it may be a cliche but it's true. Love is a wonderful feeling, but relationship takes more than that. I mean, ok, showing up for the relationship is an act of love of course, but you both need to bring some wood for the fire, every day.

I've learned also a new language of love. And it took a little while to understand the grammar of it. Like I've said, and will say: there's many ways to do things. It's actually fun to learn the person's ways. Sometimes it might be something so simple, but yet it can bring so much joy to the other person. My husband for example said today how he used to like when I sent him videos at the time we were dating. I used to send him short greetings, like while I was outside running errands and stuff. 

Of course I will make them now more :) in sha Allah. 

My own love language.. well, I could say it's them all. I love hearing compliments and reassurance, I love gifts, I love acts of love, I love openness and vulnerability. Mostly I love to hear and listen the person's true feelings and thoughts. It gives me the sense of intimacy and trust, that is important for me in a relationship. I like to dive in the deep end, to swim with all that matters the most.

But the best thing about relationships, may they be romantic of friendly ones, is when we can balance each other, and bring something new to the table, like a new perspective of things. And how we can complete each other. And how we will encounter each other. 

Yeah.. guests take turns, as one could freely translate one Finnish saying. 

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I've been taking a distance, and I have been distanced too. Social skills are tricky for me, believe me I am 36 years and still learning. Sometimes I even ponder am I on the spectrum, because I can be so awkward. Or then I am just a very shy and introverted person with sudden extroverted tendencies.. Like small talk feels like fighting for my life, but also I might burble to strangers very spontaneously. 

Friendships seem difficult to me. I do commit in them, like I would commit in a romantic relationship. But I sadly have felt with many that I do genuinely care about them so much, and then for them I'm the second or even last option. This is something that will need time to process. I don't want to change my good qualities, but maybe it's again time for some boundaries, and putting my positive energy to somewhere where it's reciprocated. 

I just wanna say, to be clear, that I'm not also blaming these friends. We all have different circles, and some are in the closest circle and some on the outer, and that's normal. I just mean that I must be more clearer to myself of my own circles and how I see them. That way I won't be hurt when it's not intended, and I can protect my own peace better. 

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Time goes so fast. It's already Maghreb time. Then some chores.. but anyways, thank you for reading all this. :) later then again,

Aisha