Mission

 Assalamu aleikum dears :) how's your weekend going?

I have had a nice day, alhamdulillah. I went to pick one dress from FB Marketplace with my hubby, then we went for a walk, we watched one series ('From' on Netflix, can't wait to finish it) and then he picked some sambusas for me and went to see his friend. I have been just chilling here home the evening, made a cup of coffee (yes, no tea for long time! What is going on..) and now I got some inspiration to write to you, dear readers.

How have you been?

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I used to have some sort of vision when I was younger. I changed a lot as a person when I got ill.. it was one time I spent in hospital, almost seven months. I used to be proud to be different and I was kinda wild and free. After my illness took the best of me, I became much more shy and reserved. I have still kinda grown out from that too and I would describe myself more as a calm person nowadays.

I used to be an addict and a criminal, living somewhat outside of society. I did paint, and made music and wrote poetry that time too. I guess I was more interesting, lol, but of course I was actually feeling very bad what comes to mental health. I was lonely and suicidal. I was more outgoing but only because I didn't care. I didn't really care about anything, least myself.

But what I miss, is that I had that vision and mission.

I'm calm, my life is in order, I'm more 'normal', whatever it means.. But the fire I used to have inside me has faded.

So what is my mission now?

I dream about being a mother, even though I'm not so young anymore.. I dream of studying.. and just living an easygoing life, which I have pretty much accomplished, alhamdulillah. 

But what comes to the mission.. I've lost my vision. I do love myself but.. I'm not that into myself anymore, if it makes sense. I want to look more at the outside world and everything in it, than look in the mirror. I'm not sure is it good or bad. I mean, when I look in the mirror, physically, I am accepting myself. I like what I see. But my personality is a bit lost.

And same time there is a spark of that vision left. I just need to find my mission again. I am here in this world, but why? What am I supposed to do here? 

I love to help others, I love to do good deeds. I love greeting strangers and helping them. But could there be also something that I do for myself?

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Maybe I think too much. But without this thinking there wouldn't be this blog. Or the reflecting.. A mirror to a mirror. I maybe used to fuel my energy with pain, and now when most of the pain is gone, I've gotten so comfortable that I might forget to strive to a next level. I could be still more. 

I don't know if I can help people with my story. But maybe it's not meant to save anyone. Maybe it is meant for me, to see where I come from and where I can still end up. I feel actually like I've won. I won the personal hell I was living, and now I am doing just fine, alhamdulillah. I grew up. Maybe it's time to celebrate.

And I am happy. I have the means to battle my demons and I have learned how to cope in different situations. I've fought with my anxiety so long that I can't really bother no more. I just vibe and take it easy. Not always, but most of the time. I just live my life day by day.

Is it boring? Well, I guess if it wouldn't be, I wouldn't crave a mission. 

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Hmm. I just think too much, that's it. But it's good to sit down and check the situation from time to time. I should really try to enjoy my life without worrying.. it's not so easy even though it sounds as it is. 

With hardship comes ease ♡

I am happy that every single struggle I have went through bears now it's fruit and I can finally say I've learned. 

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Maybe I will find my purpose. Meanwhile, take care of yourself, dear readers..until next time then.

Aisha